Saturday, 11 April 2015

Yesterday Update , Depression and Panic Attack

                            Here I am again

              I'm sorry for not having posted anything yesterday but it was quite a stressful day. It was really bad to be honest and I want to talk about it with you because I think it will make me feel better, even thought I shouldn't do it now because I have a lot to do. But I will because I think that after doing it, I'll feel better and I'll do what I have to better.

              So, the day before yesterday my mom got a registered letter to my dad as I already told you in yesterday's post, and yesterday when I saw him in the morning , before go to school I gave it to him and I said a little "Be careful dad". Apparently, and as my mother says, he didn't like that I say and he rip out into two the letter. At this moment, just by seeing him doing this I was scared but then he just yelled telling me that I won't be accepting open letters by my mom.  I say, gently again,  that if he doesn't want it to happen , he should have changed his address already. He responded saying that I did it already and the ones that continue coming to our house are mistake. Of course he didn't change because all of his mail continue to come here. Then , to make things worst, we were in the queue in front of my school and he opened the window at continued talking very loudly saying that my mom doesn't do anything, which is totally fake because she's looking for job, and that he was doing a huge effort to pay our bills. I also asked me for my mom's new phone number but i was panicking so I didn't do anything.

              First of all, if we are in this situation it's all his fault. He cheated on my mom several times, he made arrearage, he was almost never at home, etc.
              Second, I don't care about him. He did shit, now he has to pay for it.
              Third, if he is doing any effort it's his fault again. He gains a lot with his work. If the money is not enough is because he is spending it in things that he doesn't have to but he want to , and things that are only for him. Like giving money to the women who he cheated with. Slut.

              I was having a panic and anxiety attack and I just had to leave the car before we got to the place where I usually leave the car. I started walking fast, trying to reach school so I could go to the bathroom and calm myself but then Ines called me out and I tried to act normally and I waited for her and we got into school together. 
              I know that she was talking to me but I can't remember what she said and I couldn't respond to her. My eyes started to water and when I realized I was crying in the middle of the school.
I don't know how but she disappeared and Gabs, Patricia and Mafs, i think, came to me and hugged me trying to understand what was going on. 
              I couldn't tell them. They don't know the things you know.

              I ruined my mascara and I tried to look as normal as possible before go into class. Once I was in class I texted my mom warning her that maybe my dad would call her and I tried to be focus in class because classes can really distract me. 

              The rest of the day was quite normal compared to the morning. I had classes, I went to lunch with my friend to the Kebab, I just ate a half of a dorun kebab. Then I had psychologist, the kind of that helps you to choose the best course because until the end of the year I have to choose one. We planned a private session for 29th of this month ... We didn't had maths class again, so we went to a bar. It was really funny , btw. 

              When I got home , my mom was quietly watching a movie and I joined her. We only talked about what happened after the movie and she was good about it , I was a little suprised I may say. She looked better than me, which is not normal because unlike me, she doesn't hide emotions.

              A friend of my sister came, they studied together, etc. The rest of the day (night) was normal. I didn't worked out, I was really tired, and I ate chocolate. I wasn't giving a damn to my diet. 
              I think I'm gonna do the calories summary anyway. 

                            1 big slice of Easter bread w/ light butter = 50 + 44 cal
                            Cup of milk w/ barley = 115 + 25 cal

                            Half of a kebab = 500 cal

                           "Maria" Cookies = 312 cal

                            Soup = 100 cal
                            Whitefish and boiled potato with olive oil and vinegar = 97 + 34 + 117 + 3 cal
                            Banana = 89 cal

                            1 ferrero rocher = 80 cal
                            2 chocolate Seafood = 140 cal

                                                                                    Total = 1 716 cal

                            2 slices of easter bread (one with cheese, the other with light butter) = 75 + 22 + 9 cal
                            Cup of milk with barley = 115 + 25 cal

                            1 slice of bread = 125 cal
                            Grilled pork chop = 118 cal
                            Rice ( 4 spoons ) = 144 cal
                            Lettuce = 5 cal
                            Apple = 56 cal

                            Banana Yogurt = 113 cal
                            Bijou Bread with cheese = 92 cal + 9 cal

                                                                                    Total = 908 cal

              I know I ate more than usual but this morning I weight myself and ... 48.8kg even thought yesterday I didn't worked out and I ate way more than usual. 

              It's now 6:23pm. I've been writing for an hour now... Today as been a normal day. I organized my room, I saw some Youtube videos while doing it. I had a snack ...

              My mom is not very good today. She has been depressed, crying, nervous. Me and my sister had a snack and she normally do, but today she didn't. I'm a little used to it now but still hurts seeing her like this. The things she say make me think how long will she be able to hold this. I don't know. I'm really worried. 

              During next week I really have to ask my dad to pay the exams books othey way the purchase will be canceled. 

              I also bought mobile data for my phone and I talked to Igor , my ex-boyfriend. I think he's a catfish but I actually don't care anymore. He really broke my heart. It was very painful and I don't want anything more from him. 

              It's 6:53pm and I'm anxious because in a hour it's dinner time and I'm really afraid my mom does not want to eat again. I guess will do school things until there. See ya later 


                            Soup = 100 cal
                            1 boiled potato and boiled egg = 71 + 71 cal
                            1 slice of bread = 125 cal
                            Banana = 89 cal

                                                                      Total = 1 364 cal